A Long Term Investment
3/27/2009 | Michael Yehl
The long term investment!
Over the years, I have heard various stories on how hard it is for Dads to struggle day in and day out to be active single dads because of distance, a strained relationship with their ex-wife or their children’s mother, no emotional support from their current partner or new wife. At some point, their hands go up in the air and they “give-up” because they feel beat up and defeated because it seems no matter what they say or do, it is not good enough.
While I fully understand that feeling, you have look down the road as in months and years. My grandmother always said that long-term investments are your best bet because they weather the good times and bad times. By giving up on your kids has a ripple effect on them and you. It impacts you because you feel like a failure and you are in a hurry to fill that void that often turns into resentment and anger. Your kids feel abandoned because they often feel that they have done something wrong or convinced you are just a bad dad and hurry to fill that void that turns into resentment and anger. Lastly, it has a direct impact on how you and your children view relationships in the future. 60% of second marriages fail, un-wed mothers are again on the increase, and our prison system is filled with youth who are screaming for someone to care (often finding that "someone that cares" often gets them into trouble). It appears that domestic violence is making headlines. If one were to trace it back to its origin, I would bet, in most cases, it started with an absent father. How do you break the pattern? The answer is so simple; Yep, it starts with you!
When you put money away for your retirement or a rainy day, you look at it day after day as little or no interest is building and at some point you tell yourself it is not worth it and it gets tapped out and when you need that extra money, it is not there. Being there for your kids, the good and the not so good, works the same way. You may not see the results of your influence today or tomorrow, but in time, you will see, as your children age, how your choices mold your relationship with them and they with you and future relationships. Here are some simple steps that you can use to start that “long term investment”.
· If possible, live within a reasonable distance from your kids. Long commutes can add additional stress especially if it is your weekend and you spend it driving your kids to their functions.
· Try and call every few days just to say HI or tell them you love them. Even if you leave a message or they really don’t want to talk. They do hear you. Email, letter or card for no reason can go a long way too.
· Be consistent with your parenting. Don’t let “I want this to be a fun weekend” get in the way. Kids need boundaries (even if they say, “Well Mom lets us do it.”
· Document everything you do. If for some reason, you ex is trying to impede your relationship with your kids, you have proof (either for court, or when the time comes you can back up what you have done).
· Share, age appropriate, things going on in your life. If you expect them to share with you, you need to model it.
· NEVER bad mouth your children’s mother in front of them. They are neither the messengers nor your confessor. You can agree to disagree, but they still love their mother. You can say things like, “I am not sure I agree”, “Oh, you must have misunderstood your mom” or my favorite, “Thanks for sharing.”
· If residency is with their Mom, they need to establish root and routines. This may mean driving them to their sport activities, scouts or some other function on your weekend. Yes, you are tired by the time the weekend is here, but it is important that you show interest in their outside activities.
· Always be accessible to your kids. Cell phones, emails etc. If it is an emergency, instruct them on how to get a hold of you ASAP. You need to allow them to talk, good or bad.
· Tell them you love them. Even if you are angry.
This is just some of the ways you can be as proactive with your kids. If you feel this list is too unrealistic, then pick one and integrate it. Then every week or month, you choose, add another. Before you know it, your relationship with begin to repair itself or start to improve. Remember, it is the long term investment that you are working towards.