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Arguing Antidotes
by Kelvin Gott

Nothing can ruin a great weekend with your offspring like an argument, but somehow, almost as if by supernatural design, the best of weekends can disintegrate into an abyss of snide, low grade vicious interactions. It might start as simply as this:

Dad: Hey big guy, great to see you I’ve got a really cool weekend in store for us.

Son: Boy, I hope so this week has totally sucked.

Dad: You know I don’t like it when you use that word. (If sucked doesn’t trip your personal trigger, feel free to substitute any word, phrase or attitude which might.)

Son: What word?

Dad: (Now rising a bit to the bait because he knows darn well that his son knows what word.) You know what word.

Son: Sucked? What’s so bad about that? Everybody says it.

Dad: Well you’re not everybody. If everybody was jumping off of the bridge would you jump? You know I don’t allow that sort of language and I want an end to it.

Son: God, you’re such a prude. Everyone else talks that way and nobody gets in trouble for it. Why are you always picking on me?

Dad: I’m not picking on you, I just want you talk with some respect. You know people hear you use that sort of language and they look down on you or think your crude.

Son: Whatever….Why should I care what other people think? I mean if they were all jumping off of …..

Dad: DON”T GET SMART WITH ME! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?

And in less than 30 seconds the weekend doesn’t look nearly as promising. It started so innocently, so simply, no omens, no comets flashing across the sky, just boom the fight is on. Oh by the way, if this sounds like too adolescent an argument for you try to imagine your ten year old daughter refusing to log off of her IM account, or your four year old refusing to eat his vegetables. You, Superdad, leap in with all of the perfectly correct, logical reasons why your child should be doing what you tell him and the battle is joined. How does it happen? Why? What can be done?

According the experts at the Love and Logic Institute, control is probably the most basic element in this scenario, and worse, it might be starting for reasons far beyond your control. All humans instinctively seek and desire control. When we sense it has been taken away, we naturally react at the most basic of human levels either fight or flight. If your child is more aggressive by nature, the fight reflex reacts, while a less aggressive child might resort to the flight response and merely withdraw perhaps becoming sullen or moody. But why is your child feeling the loss of control at this moment? After all, you just got together; there hasn’t been any incident to precede it. Simple answer, no matter how well you handle it, your child has to leave mom and go with you. Not much control for the child is there?

It’s Friday night, just finished a long week at school and now, whether I want to or not, dad is picking me up. At the conscious level, I probably relish the prospect, but sub-consciously (where the desire for control resides) I know I didn’t have much if any say in the matter. Or what little input and control I got wasn’t enough to meet my needs. So, when you arrive or I get to your house, for reasons I don’t understand or even think about at a conscious level, I get some control, by starting an argument. What sort of control is that you ask? Well, I get to control the tone of your voice, color of your face, perhaps your blood pressure, the mood of the ride, maybe even the tone for the entire weekend. Pretty powerful stuff eh!

So what’s the solution? The most sensible advice is to attack the problem on several levels. First, it might be wise to assume your child is feeling the loss of control every time you get to pick him/her up. If it turns out not to be the case, you’re not out much and if it is the case you’re way ahead. Next arrange to share some control as soon as possible. The easiest way is to offer some choices immediately. For example:

“Would you prefer to sit in the front or back seat?”

“We have several options for dinner tonight what would you prefer? Brats? Burgers? Hoagies?”

“We’re going out to dinner tonight which would you prefer? Taco Bell? Subway? Red Lobster?”

“I have some ideas for this weekend, but I’d really like to hear what you have in mind first. Got any thoughts?”

“What kind of music do you want tonight on the ride home? Oldies or Country?”

Jim Fay (Love and Logic Institute www.loveandlogic.com) has three simple rules for offering choices.

If the Child won’t choose, be prepared to choose yourself. No arguing or discussion, just do it.
Offer only options you can live with. Rap music wasn’t on of the choices.
Never give a choice unless you’re willing to allow your child to live with the consequences of his/her decision. If he picks the back seat, he stays in the back seat. Do this with empathy but be firm.

Finally, try changing your fighting words to thinking words like so:

Dad: Hey big guy, great to see you I’ve got a really cool weekend in store for us.

Son: Boy, I hope so this week has totally sucked.

Dad: Wow, sounds like you had a tough one.

Son: I hate school. And mom was a real biatch. (Still trying to get the fight started.)

Dad: Hey pal, those words really hurt my ears. I’ll be happen to listen when your language is a bit less colorful and your tone of voice matches mine. (Be certain your tone is calm and your volume is low.)

Son: What’s wrong with my language? (Really wants to get it going doesn’t he!)

Dad: Son, I love you too much to argue. I’ll be happy to listen when your tone matches mine.

Son: God, you’re such a prude. Everyone else talks that way and nobody gets in trouble for it. Why are you always picking on me?

Dad: I’ll be happy to listen when your tone matches mine.

Son: Whatever…. You know mom never cares how I talk. (WOW! After the jugular there isn’t he?)

Dad: Probably so and I’ll be happy to listen when your word don’t bother me and your tone matches mine.

Now, you might argue (a fighting word if ever I hear one) that nothing good came out of this exchange. Oh contraire! You’re not in a fight. Your son is thinking about whether he wants to change his tone or not. Your son is doing almost of all of the thinking. You have deflected the conversation until your son is in a non-emotional state. You have stated and stuck to your limits. Sometime, later in the weekend when you are both in a pleasant, non-emotional, state, you get to have a conversation about language and tone of voice which might actually yield some benefits. But best of all you haven’t stressed out or ruined the weekend yet.

Sharing control means keeping only the control we need and allowing the child to have all of the control which should rightly be his/hers. The more we share, the more pleasant the weekends will get.

Kelvin Gott, has been an educator for more than 28 years and is a certified instructor in the techniques of Becoming a Love & Logic Parent. The father of four daughters is a regular Keynote Presenter for conferences, businesses, schools and leadership seminars around the Midwest. His presentations are always dynamic, humorous and thought provoking

For more about Raising Responsible Kids go to www.loveandlogic.com or contact the Kelvin Gott at kgott@d155.org