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How to Give Your Children the Gift of Love this Holiday Season.

By: Suzy Yehl Marta

The holiday season after my divorce, I was overwhelmed and almost totally unprepared.

It was a traumatic time, especially for my three young sons. Their father was gone and I was transformed from a full-time, at-home mom to a single parent working three jobs just to make ends meet. Although I knew the divorce was the right thing to do, I hated my new life. I was joyless and angry. Then came Christmas...a time of family and celebration!

More than anything, I wanted this to be a special holiday for my sons. That was 30 years ago and I was a new single parent with few resources.

Today, 7 out of 10 children live in families impacted by death, divorce, separation and abandonment. For them, the holidays heighten the sense of loss. Even if it's been years since the parent died or moved out, the child's pain can be intense this time of the year.

Despite emotional and financial difficulties, single parents can make the season special for their children. Through trial and error, I learned these seven strategies for giving children the holiday present they need and will treasure most: a gift of love.

• Acknowledge your loss. In the hustle and bustle of the season, take time to talk about the parent who has died or to discuss some of the changes that have occurred because Mom and Dad are no longer together. Ask the children how they feel and listen to what they say. Encourage positive reminiscences. You will enhance the true meaning of the season for your children and build good memories for them to enjoy in the future.
• Anticipate potential difficult moments. Before a family gathering, make sure everyone understands that the children and family ties are the focus of the get-together. If there’s bitterness because of a separation or divorce, establish clear-cut ground rules up front that prohibit name-calling, taking sides or verbal bashing of any family members.
• Be conscious of your feelings. Your attitudes set the tone for the children. An undercurrent of animosity or anxiety will torpedo the holidays for them. Always try to see how things play out through their eyes, and put their emotional needs first.
• Plan holiday celebrations. Divorce, separation or death, complicate holidays and special events. With your children, decide how and with whom your family will observe holiday celebrations. Schedule holiday visits and get-togethers with the children in mind; they don't want to rush from one house to another. Think of your children’s needs not yours.
• As a family, discuss old and new traditions. Healthy families change. This year, talk with your children about new ways you can observe the holidays. New traditions build connections and rekindle the sense of commitment you have toward each other.

New traditions don’t have to be expensive or elaborate either. Our first Christmas alone, my sons and I decided to buy our first live tree. All we could afford was a scrawny pine with several missing limbs and a lopsided stem, but the kids loved it. Oh yes, I needed to buy some tools and a tree stand. We still laugh fondly about those “Charlie Brown” trees we had year after year!

• Be realistic about your capabilities. A single parent can't do everything. Prioritize your family's needs, make choices and explain your decisions to the children. It's okay to say you don't have the energy, money or enough time off from work to make six-dozen cookies and see half a dozen movies. Ask the children what they want to do most; you might be surprised by their answers. The most important memory you can give your children this holiday season is time spent together.
• Decide how you'll spend your free time. That first post-divorce Christmas when my sons left for the day with their Dad, I felt like a lost soul. For hours I sat on the couch and stared at the tree, devastated and alone. In the years that followed, I made plans for the time my kids were gone. One year, I served Christmas dinner at a nursing home. Another year, I cleaned my closets. Just get busy and do not feel sorry for yourself. Your kids will know it and then feel guilty they were a part from you.

As your family celebrates the holidays this year, remember that you are creating memories for your children. Make them warm, loving, happy, and ones they will want to repeat when they have children!

Suzy Yehl Marta is president and founder of RAINBOWS, the world’s largest not-for-profit grief support organization, and author of HEALING THE HURT, RESTORING THE HOPE: How to Guide Children and Teens through Times of Divorce, Death and Crisis with the RAINBOWS Approach (SawRobin Books).