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Avoid Using "I'm Sorry" As Your Empathetic Response

Those of you familiar with Love and Logic know that the most important skill we teach is empathy. When we can provide a strong and sincere message of caring...before we deliver a consequence...the child is able to focus more on the connection between their poor decision and this consequence...than on anger toward us.

Those familiar with Love and Logic also know that this is not always an easy thing to do! That's why we recommend picking just one empathetic statement and memorizing it.

Some well-meaning people use "I'm sorry" as their statement. We don't recommend this. Why?

• It provides an open door for kids to argue with us by saying, "No you're not!"
• Kids can reason, "If she's apologizing for giving me this consequence, she must think she's doing something wrong."
• "I'm sorry" takes ownership of the problem rather than handing back to the child.

If you've fallen into the habit of saying, "I'm sorry," experiment with one of the following instead:

• This is so sad.
• How sad.
• What a bummer.
• Man. This stinks.

Thanks for reading.

Dr. Charles Fay