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Disneyland Daddy & Raising Responsible Kids
By Kelvin Gott

Disneyland Dad: a father, in contact with his kids for limited amounts of time, (due

to divorce or separation in most cases) who showers said children with gifts and amusement park type merriment.

Sounds like a pretty good approach. Kids have a wonderful time, limits the amount of conflict, any serious issues that arise usually confront mom when dad isn’t around to face them, planning the weekend usually means buying tickets and checking the debit card limit. In fact the only major, predictable negative is the inevitable conversation with the ex-spouse, which frequently begins, “When are you going to start acting like a father to these kids?”

So why are Disneyland Dads so uneasy at the most basic levels of their Paternal Psyches? Simple, most dads want to raise responsible kids who are well prepared for the real world, and they know instinctively that Disneyland (no matter how much fun or how easy) isn’t even close to real. But what to do? Fortunately, raising responsible kids is possible, possible in a limited amount of time and possible as the result of only small adjustments to your parenting routines. Even better, expending the effort to adjust these routines will automatically improve your relationship with your kids so that those calls from the ex are laced with poorly disguised envy and not a little bit of guarded admiration.

At the Love & Logic Institute, Jim Fay, Foster Kline and Charles Fay have developed a formula of four steps that will raise the odds of raising responsible kids. Dads who will invest a little time in applying their principles will find the rewards extraordinary.

Step 1 – Give the child a task he/she can handle.

Chores are a necessary element in acquiring a sense of self. When a kid contributes to the wellbeing of a household, s/he acquires a sense that s/he is valuable, capable and necessary. No words can ever create this feeling for a child, only the act of a loving dad who hands out a task and expects it to get done without nagging. The rules are simple. First, be sure our child can indeed actually do the chore. Second, chores must be tasks that contribute the smooth running or your house, not slave labor. Third, chores are not paid for; they are contributions. (You might offer to pay a child to do someone else’s chores, but that is a topic for another article.)

Step 2 – Hope and pray the Child Blows It.

This step is the most difficult because it breaks us out of our old paradigm of parenting in which we remind, and nag and rant and threaten because we are afraid the child will make a mistake. It helps to remember that every mistake a child makes today raises the odds that s/he will make a quality decision later when the price tag is larger. For example, not edging the lawn by an agreed upon time will have a small consequence today, but not making an auto payment later will have a much higher price tag.

Step 3 – Let Empathy and Consequences Do the Teaching.

Empathy must be rehearsed a great deal, because Americans much prefer lectures and sarcasm. When you and your daughter have agreed that the lawn will be edged before the next meal, empathy might sound like this, “ Oh my, this is so sad.” Now a statement like that seems to come off sarcastically without practice, and sarcasm will ruin the learning. Empathy must come first, must be practiced, and must happen every time your child makes a mistake. Sarcasm allows your child to blame you for the small pain or inconvenience s/he is about to experience. Empathy removes you as scapegoat and leaves only one person your child can hold accountable for causing this pain, him/herself.

Step4 – Give the Same Task to Your Child Again.

This sends a strong covert message. “I believe in you.” When a child receives this message, nonverbally, from one of the magic people in his/her life (dad) it resonates and sticks in the psyche.

So let’s play the whole thing out once.

Dad and Sally agree that there are several tasks she could do to contribute to the running of the house. (It might be necessary to discuss why she should contribute.) One of her tasks is to edge the lawn before eating dinner next Saturday night.

Dad and Sally have a nice day, during which Dad accomplishes several tasks in the yard, but never reminds Sally of her obligation. Dad is praying his lovely daughter blows this task.

As dad finishes putting those delicious burgers on the table, in a loving and EMPATHIC voice he asks,

Dad - “Sally, when did we agree that the lawn would be edged?”

Sally - “Before dinner?!”

Dad - “Right. This is always sad. When do you think you’ll be eating?”

At this point you know Sally is throwing a fit. Remember this moment is a gift to her as you say. “ Honey, the burgers will be here when the lawn is edged today, or tomorrow morning for breakfast after you finish the edging whichever you prefer?”

The above process is a gift for your child and a great learning experience. It gets you off the rollercoaster rides of Disneyland Dad and into the real world where you know your children truly belong.

Kelvin Gott, has been an educator for more than 28 years and is a certified instructor in the techniques of Becoming a Love & Logic Parent. The father of four daughters is a regular Keynote Presenter for conferences, businesses, schools and leadership seminars around the Midwest. His presentations are always dynamic, humorous and thought provoking

For more about Raising Responsible Kids go to www.loveandlogic.com or contact the Kelvin Gott at kgott@d155.org

Next article, dealing with Brain Drain.