Why Don't the Kids Ever Call
4/17/2010 | Michael Yehl
You may often wonder, how come the kids don’t call? Whether your children are infants or in college, it is hard to go days without talking to our children. Even when we do call, many times conversations are short and awkward. You may even say to yourself, “Why bother?” Then you find yourself going days or weeks without talking to them. Now you are angry because you feel their mother should make them call or if you have older children, you are angry because messages are not being returned.
While your feelings may be valid, you have to keep in mind that we are the parent. Even if you have grown children, it is our job as parents to keep the line of communication open. Even if you simply call to say “hi” and “I love you.” Remember our love is unconditional and you cannot make it conditional. Think back when you were young and how often you called your grandparents. Often conversations were short and you probably did not call unless one of your parents put the phone in your face. You did not love your grandparents any less. The same thing holds true with your children. Just because they don’t call you back or your conversations are short, does not mean they don’t care. Often it may show that your relationship is solid and they don’t need to communicate daily.
By you calling regularly keeps you and your kids linked. Often simple calls often may bring up things your kids or their mother forgot to mention. Also keep in mind; you relationship with their mother should not have anything to do with communication with your children.
Lastly, unless a court tells you differently, make sure you copies of your children’s report cards and school calendar. Your children and sometimes their mother may forget to let you know about up coming events. Most school districts have websites that will give you a calendar complete with days in attendance and extra curricular activities. While it may be your children’s responsibility or their mother’s responsibility to let you know about those things, it is simpler and saves aggravation to simply access the website. You need to pick and choose your battles. Is this really a battle you want to start? You will find by you taking the time to call when you are heading home from work, or show up at a school event they forgot to tell you about, will go a long way.
For the love of your Kids:
2/27/2010 | A dad who loves his daughters
Below is an article from a single dad doing what it takes to maintain a relationship his kids. While everyone's situation is unique, if you make it a priority, it is amazing what you can do!
Being a Long Distance Dad
Its 11pm, the Saturday after Thanksgiving and my daughters, aged 16, 14 and eight, just went to bed. One is asleep and the other two are talking and laughing it up. I don’t care if they stay up all night; it’s good to hear their voices, and their laughter. We had Thanksgiving dinner, on Friday I woke them at 2am to go shopping and afterwards we had breakfast at a really good pancake house. Today we went to two museums and the older girls went to an outlet mall. Tomorrow morning they go home. In between we watched movies and talked. For the first time ever they asked about me and were interested in my life. My oldest even helped me cook, something that has never happened before.
I’ve been divorced almost four years and my girls live 360 miles away from me, door to door. Living this far apart is a logistics, communication and financial challenge. But the way I see it, maintaining some type of contact at least once a week is important for my girls to know I am there for them whenever they decide they need me.
Logistically, the distance between us is a rough obstacle. I see my daughters one weekend a month. If I fly I need to take into consideration flight schedules coming back home. If I get a later flight home Sunday and weather or maintenance is a problem I might not get home in time for work the next day. Driving is an eight hour proposition because I live near Chicago and highway construction is extensive, not to mention wear and tear on my car. I have to get a suite hotel with two rooms, because girls require some personal space. A hotel with a pool is key in the event of bad weather and we need to stay put. I have to be creative with activities because we can’t sit in the hotel all day, and the planning has to be done long distance. That means going to movies, bowling, miniature golf, horseback riding and shopping in addition to attending their soccer games and taking them to whatever events they are scheduled to attend.
Communication is difficult in the best of circumstances. I have three daughters which means I automatically do not understand them. I call once a week. I used to call more often but they weren’t getting the messages. Sometimes I send them cards with short notes. I’ll send flowers, candy and small gifts for Valentines Day, Halloween and occasionally for no reason at all. But I am in touch with them in some fashion at least once a week.
Finally, there is a significant financial challenge. Whenever I visit it costs me around $700. That includes hotel, flight, meals and entertainment. I used to leave Friday afternoon and return Sunday evening. The three day visit was not an easy one because they had after school activities, sports and school dances Friday afternoons and evenings. Now I leave first thing Saturday morning and can reduce my costs by about $200. It turns out this schedule works much better because it fits into their schedules and they aren’t spending an extra night in a hotel just a few miles away from home. Also, my oldest daughter has an active social life. I need to make adjustments for that. All I ask is that she has at least one breakfast, lunch or dinner with me and her sisters.
This hasn’t been easy. I had to figure these things out myself because there isn’t a manual to follow and I know there are probably more things I should be doing. And I admit at times it does wear me out. I got my divorce papers when I was serving as an Army Reservist in Iraq. After 14 months duty I returned home in 2005 having to deal with a number of significant issues all at one time. I had $2,000 in the bank and a storage room full of possessions. My daughters lived over 1,200 miles away from me because my ex had already established residency in another state. Somebody had been promoted into my job at work.
It was, and is, a lot to deal with and I don’t know how many times since coming home, even through today, that it all hits me at once. My world was taken from me in more ways than one.
But, I need to get on with life and face my responsibilities. Even when I was broke, I never missed or was late with a child support payment. I’m working on my issues from the war. I got a transfer and promotion within my company to be closer to my daughters and I’m working on being as good a father to them as possible. There are things I’ve gotten wrong and things I can do better, but am I trying. And I think that the key, as a father, especially one living a distance away, you have to keep in mind that the children are impacted more by the divorce. I can’t help but think that at some point they will know you try, and trying shows your commitment and love to them, and it makes them feel better about themselves.
A Dad who loves his daughters!