Recent Articles
Shuttling the Kids for the Holidays....
1/21/2012 | Michael Yehl
Growing up in a single parent household, I used to spend Christmas Eve with my Mom, Christmas day with my Dad/grandparents and Christmas night with other grandparents. While I never remember feeling bad about having, in a little kid’s perception, “Santa visits me 3 times”, but I do remember we never really staying in one place long. Traditions that may not have been the best of circumstances, but they worked and I have great memories.
As an adult and single parent, I dreaded having my son go through the same thing. I had suggested very early on in his life that his mother and I swap holidays. In a sense, on the actual holiday, one of us would not see our son. We would get to see him the day after the holiday. She was not sold on the idea, so the “family tradition” of shuttling him on the holidays was repeated. Again, it was not really a bad thing for him because it became a routine. I felt bad that he too did not get to stay any one place for very long.
When my son moved in with me his sophomore year of high school, because his mom relocated to another state, she more or less demanded that she get him for the entire holiday because she did not get to see him that much due to the distance. Needless to say, I was not happy. Many phone conversations, over several weeks, ensued with no resolution. One day, after going round and round on this, I finally came to a decision.
Since he was 15 years old, I simply said to him, that this decision was truly not my choice to make. I told him I loved him and I want to spend the holidays with him; however, I did not think it was fair for his mother and I to treat him like a piece of property. I gave the choice to him. I re-assured him that he would not hurt my feelings if he decided to stay with his Mom and I would respect his decision. He had to do what is best for him.
Yes, that meant I was usually without Tom on Thanksgiving and Christmas, but I talked with him on the holiday and we opened our gifts when he got back. I found things to do and created new traditions for me. With parenting comes sacrifice. It was not his fault that his mother and I were not together.
Now, I understand that custody documents or age may not make this type of situation possible; however, building a relationship and maintaining a relationship with your children is not always about face time. Sometimes minimizing the anxiety is the best gift you can give.
Happy Holidays.
Holiday Hints
12/10/2011 | Suzy Marta
The holiday season after my divorce, I was overwhelmed and almost totally unprepared.
It was a traumatic time, especially for my three young sons. Their father was gone and I was transformed from a full-time, at-home mom to a single parent working three jobs just to make ends meet. Although I knew the divorce was the right thing to do, I hated my new life. I was joyless and angry. Then came Christmas...a time of family and celebration!
More than anything, I wanted this to be a special holiday for my sons. That was 30 years ago and I was a new single parent with few resources.
Today, 7 out of 10 children live in families impacted by death, divorce, separation and abandonment. For them, the holidays heighten the sense of loss. Even if it's been years since the parent died or moved out, the child's pain can be intense this time of the year.
Despite emotional and financial difficulties, single parents can make the season special for their children. Through trial and error, I learned these seven strategies for giving children the holiday present they need and will treasure most: a gift of love.
· Acknowledge your loss. In the hustle and bustle of the season, take time to talk about the parent who has died or to discuss some of the changes that have occurred because Mom and Dad are no longer together. Ask the children how they feel and listen to what they say. Encourage positive reminiscences. You will enhance the true meaning of the season for your children and build good memories for them to enjoy in the future.
· Anticipate potential difficult moments. Before a family gathering, make sure everyone understands that the children and family ties are the focus of the get-together. If there’s bitterness because of a separation or divorce, establish clear-cut ground rules up front that prohibit name-calling, taking sides or verbal bashing of any family members.
· Be conscious of your feelings. Your attitudes set the tone for the children. An undercurrent of animosity or anxiety will torpedo the holidays for them. Always try to see how things play out through their eyes, and put their emotional needs first.
· Plan holiday celebrations. Divorce, separation or death, complicate holidays and special events. With your children, decide how and with whom your family will observe holiday celebrations. Schedule holiday visits and get-togethers with the children in mind; they don't want to rush from one house to another. Think of your children’s needs not yours.
· As a family, discuss old and new traditions. Healthy families change. This year, talk with your children about new ways you can observe the holidays. New traditions build connections and rekindle the sense of commitment you have toward each other.
New traditions don’t have to be expensive or elaborate either. Our first Christmas alone, my sons and I decided to buy our first live tree. All we could afford was a scrawny pine with several missing limbs and a lopsided stem, but the kids loved it. Oh yes, I needed to buy some tools and a tree stand. We still laugh fondly about those “Charlie Brown” trees we had year after year!
· Be realistic about your capabilities. A single parent can't do everything. Prioritize your family's needs, make choices and explain your decisions to the children. It's okay to say you don't have the energy, money or enough time off from work to make six-dozen cookies and see half a dozen movies. Ask the children what they want to do most; you might be surprised by their answers. The most important memory you can give your children this holiday season is time spent together.
· Decide how you'll spend your free time. That first post-divorce Christmas when my sons left for the day with their Dad, I felt like a lost soul. For hours I sat on the couch and stared at the tree, devastated and alone. In the years that followed, I made plans for the time my kids were gone. One year, I served Christmas dinner at a nursing home. Another year, I cleaned my closets. Just get busy and do not feel sorry for yourself. Your kids will know it and then feel guilty they were a part from you.
As your family celebrates the holidays this year, remember that you are creating memories for your children. Make them warm, loving, happy, and ones they will want to repeat when they have children!
Suzy Marta is president and founder of RAINBOWS, the world’s largest not-for-profit grief support organization, and author of HEALING THE HURT, RESTORING THE HOPE: How to Guide Children and Teens through Times of Divorce, Death and Crisis with the RAINBOWS Approach (SawRobin Books).
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Things to Think About
(easy ways in be a better single dad):
- Never talk negatively about your children's parent or step parent in front of them (no matter what).
- A negative statement about their mother is an arrow that is shot and passes through your children's heart first.
- Pay your child support. It is not for their mother, it is for your children. If you feel it is not being spent properly, call your attorney.
- Call your kids regularly. Even if they don't call you back or have nothing to say.
- Always tell your kids you love them, even if you are angry at them.
- Make a point to know your kids schedule. All schools have online access. Don't rely on your kids or their mother. If you want to know, then find out.
- If you only get your kids on the weekend, make a routine. Don't always make it a "Disneyland" weekend. It sends the wrong message. Parent as if you were with them every day. No rules breeds problems. Kids need boundaries.
- Don't buy their love or silence. They will love you unconditionally, so should you.
- Unless a court of law says differently, arrage for the school to send you copies of report cards and other reports.
- Parenting is not an option. Dad first, their friend second. Buying them "stuff" does not fix the problem or gain their respect.
- As your kids get older, parenting is more facilitating than directing. Facilitating is much harder.
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