Past Articles
New Years and New Parenting Strategies
At the end of every year, we reflect on personal events that happened to us. We tend to think more of the negative events than the positive. Perhaps you were in court simply trying to see your kids.
If the holiday did not or has not been what you had hoped, New Year’s always gives a renewed reason to hope. New Year’s Day symbolizes a fresh start, a “do over” so to speak. It is a time to look on choices, good and bad, and figure out how to make the next year better. For a single dad, that can be easier said than done. When I was a single dad, I made A LOT of mistakes. Many of the ideas discussed below are lessons I learned the hard way. There are no hard and fast rules on parenting.
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To help make that happen, here are few things to help make your year with your kids a little bit better:
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Your children love you UNCONDITIONALLY! Many times it is our own perceptions of how we should raise our kids; how to show them you love them that often set us up for failure.
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Resolutions are made to be broken, so set a New Year’s goal. Make the goal obtainable. Always focus on one realistic way to be a better parent. Yes, it does not have to involve money or taking your kids somewhere.
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Use these difficult times to teach life lessons. Engage, age appropriately, how to make the best out of a bad situation. Focusing on all that you can’t just increases anger and frustrations.
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Make time to make contact your kids each day. Even if it is just to say Hi and say I love you. Even if they don’t respond. Don’t stop doing it.
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As you take down the Christmas or other holiday decorations down, have your children help you and discuss with them when they liked about this year’s holiday season and what they could be different. Make it a casual or lighthearted discussion. Make some mental notes or add it to your notebook. Sometimes our perceived failures are just that, our perceptions and you children loved the holiday.
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Make sure your parenting skills are consistent and appropriate. Even if you feel the other parent is not as strict. As long as the kids are not neglected, just stay the course.
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Get a spiral notebook (like the ones use get for your children) and calendar. Mark everything down anything that involves your kids. This will include court dates, visitation, purchases, child support payments and communication. You hope you never need it, but it is there just in case. Never, ever discuss these issues with your kids. It is between the parents.
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Make sure you have access to your children’s phones, tablets and computers. You need to know where your children are surfing and talking to. Make sure you have phone numbers of their friends and/or their parents. Your children need to understand that you can ask them for any of these devices at anytime and without warning.
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Never, ever use your child to relay messages to their mother. Pick up the phone or send an email directly to your ex. Remember we are the adults.
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Never cut the other parent down in front of your children. True or not, it is shooting an arrow through your kid’s heart into the other parent. They love both parents equally. If there are issues, your kids will figure them out.
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Make time to sit at the dinner table to talk. Yes that seems very foreign these days; however, if you start sharing your life with them, they will share their life with you.
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If you have not seen your children in a while, start slow. You cannot make yourself instant dad by just showing up. Trust is earned.
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Remember it is not about the money or the amount of visitation. It is always about loving your children. Anything worth doing is hard work.
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Make time to have those discussions about your new family dynamic. Even if it has been years since the divorce or loss of your spouse, perceptions changes as your children get older. Just because they don’t bring it up, doesn’t mean it is a non-issue.
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Review your parenting choices from last year…what worked? What did not work? Did you try to do too much? Did you just give up? Always look at ways you can modify or improve your parenting. As a former teacher, I often found that a lesson plan that worked well one year for my students doesn’t always mean it will be just as successful. Parenting is the same way.
Depending on your relationship with your kids or where you are in the court process, by just taking on one or two of these suggestions as your goal, it will start you on your way to building and maintaining your relationship with your kids. Happy New Year!
Chores are a Life-Skill that MUST be Taught!
Growing up, I had chores. Most of us grew up having to do chores. We hated them. Often, we would have to be reminded and thought our parents were being too lazy to do it themselves, ESPECIALLY if you did not get an allowance for the chores. I am sure it was hard enough to get your kids to do chores in two parent families, but when you are a single parent, the struggle to get your kids to complete chores seems to be near impossible.
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In today’s age, it seems many parents do not have their children do their chores, especially in single parent households. If you are a single dad and your kids are not living with you, it is usually a given you will not have your kids do chores. While the reasoning behind this problem, yes problem, may have perfect logic, you are actually cheating your kids at lessons of life skills and independence as adults.
I get it, todays parenting is not what it was two or more decades ago. Parents are working multiple jobs, or have jobs that require early mornings and late hours, kids are in multiple extra-curricular activities, too tired, it’s easier if I just do it myself, and the best excuse, my kids will have to do them when they are adults, why make them do chores now!? As single dads, when it is our weekend to have our children, we want it to be a pleasant experience full of fun, so we don’t make our kids do chores, because we are afraid they may not want to spend time with us because we make them do chores. You know how to do chores….why is that?
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You know how to do chores because you were taught, usually by a parent or relative, to do them. We do them now without thinking twice, but we had to learn it from somewhere. Yes, we still do not like to do our chores, but to own a home, lack the finances to hire someone to do them, yet must be completed to maintain a clean, safe, welcoming home for ourselves and our children. Even if you can afford to pay someone to do the work for you, you are still cheating your children out of needed life skills for adulthood. These chores teach self-confidence, self-reliance (independence), accountability, and pride for they place they live.
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Part of parenting is preparing our children for adulthood. Many of those life skills are taught at age appropriate levels. It starts with teaching our children to talk, potty training and brushing their teeth. Chores also are a key ingredient preparing them for adulthood. Teaching chores at when they are adolescents is actually much more defeating then when they are little.
I want you to think about when you had friends over at your house for dinner and you have a mess in your kitchen. The last thing you want to do is clean the kitchen. You roll up your sleeves and get started. When it is done, you look at it as an accomplishment and a bit of pride that your kitchen is clean!
